Dog Jokes
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. ‘Cause they see change on the street all the time and it’s driving them crazy. When you’re walking them. He is always looking up at you. “There’s a quarter…”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Smart Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog
10. There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS…
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
Thinking Fast:
Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepherd. They decide they’d like to go into a bar for a drink. “But we can’t bring out dogs into that bar,” says the poodle’s human.
“Hey, no problem,” says the german shepherd’s owner. “Just watch this.” He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.
“Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the german shepherd’s human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.
So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. “Hey, no dogs!” yells the bartender. “But this is a seeing eye dog,” says the poodle’s human.
The bartender objects, “Hey, poodles can’t be seeing eye dogs!” The poodle owner gasps, “Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepherd!”
Riddles
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
What’s the difference between dogs and fleas?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can’t have dogs.
What’s the only kind of dog you can eat?
A hot dog.
Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!
How does a dog make friends?
He wags his tail instead of his tongue.
What goes “woof, woof, tick, tick?”
A watchdog.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a computer?
A computer with lots of bites.
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than his bite.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
When is a brown dog not a brown dog?
When it’s a greyhound!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller with a hyena?
I don’t know but if it laughs I’ll join in.
What did the starving dalmatian say when he had a meal?
That hits the spot!
What is a dog’s favourite food?
Anything that is on your plate!
What’s a dog’s favourite flower?
Anything in your garden.
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do you do if a dog swallows your pen?
Use a pencil instead.
What do you get if you cross a dog with concorde?
A jet setter.
What do you get if you cross a dog with a sheep?
A sheep that can round itself up!
Why is it every time the doorbell rings my dog goes into the corner?
He’s a boxer.
Why did the dachshund bite the woman’s ankle?
Because he was short and he couldn’t reach any higher.
Where do eskimos train their dogs?
In the mushroom.
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
Petticoat.
How do you stop a dog smelling?
Put a clothes peg on its nose!
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A mutt in a rut.
What’s a dog’s favourite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Why is it called a “litter” of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house.
What is the most likely time a stray dog will walk into your home?
When the door is open.
What did the angry Father sing when he found his slippers chewed by the puppy?
I must throw that doggie out the window!
How can you tell if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
A dog that barks at low flying aircraft.
If a husky dog can stand the lowest temperatures, which can stand the hottest?
A hot dog.
Why do dogs bury their bones in the ground?
Because they can’t bury them in trees!!!!
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because Frost bites.
hat do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A dog that chases cars- and catches them!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!
What is the dogs favorite city?
New Yorkie!
Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
Growlcho Marx!
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
“Well, doggone!”
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!
How many dogs does it take to……
These are the answers from dogs when asked “How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?”
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
New Kinds of Crossbreed Dogs
Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Top 10 Reasons To Breed Your Dog
Thought the house was too orderly
Never did like having a full nights sleep
Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
Thought the furniture looked too nice
Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn’t want to pay a gardener.
Neighbors didn’t complain enough
Kids weren’t enough of a challenge
If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?
Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.
“I’ve lost my dog!”
“Why don’t you put an advertisement in the paper?”
“Don’t be silly, he can’t read!
Equal Opportunity
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.
“Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?” he asked.
The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
“And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more.”
Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical sentiment:
“The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs.”
The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.
“What’s the big idea?” he inquired.
“That,” the dachshund answered, “is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand.”
The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.
“That,” he remarked at last, “must be the reason I’m so forgetful.”
The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.
“And what are you doing, Clara?” he asked, with his most engaging smile.
“I’m drawing a picture of you,” was the answer.
The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.
“I don’t like it much,” she confessed. “I guess I’ll put a tail on it, and call it a dog.”
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